


seasons

by silkbonnet



Series: course correction [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Carina POV, Domesticity, Established Relationship, F/F, Falling In Love, Infidelity, Love, Reconciliation, Season 3, hashtag i gave carina friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26036776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkbonnet/pseuds/silkbonnet
Summary: they meet at a bar.or.the one where they fall in love, (almost) ruin it and find their way back to each other.
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Series: course correction [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889953
Comments: 39
Kudos: 212





	seasons

**Author's Note:**

> mostly canon.  
> timelines may be longer than they appear(ed on tv. idk why the show moves like a whirlwind, a season feels like a week? )i just kinda stretched things out, added an extended scene (or 11)here or there, but it should still work.
> 
> also, yes i am carina deluca's #1 fan. she deserves.

.

_'you only have to let the soft animal of your body, love what it loves.'_

_**-** _ **mary oliver**

-

They meet at a bar. 

It's half past 9 and Carina should go home but she doesn't want to. This week has been a lot and lately she's been feeling a little defeated, sad. 

The home-shaped hole in her heart has grown wider, these last few months. Aching and raw—she feels her humanity like a dull knife to her chest, somedays. 

Her brother's recent turn in health looms above her, heavy and distressing. Andrea is an adult and she can't force him to get help and truthfully, she's a little tired of it.

Not of her brother, never of him. 

Carina just doesn't want to go through this cycle again. Andrea's worsening mental state brings to mind memories of childhood, of her dealings with their father, the overblown confidence, the spurts of anger, the emptiness; she's waiting for the comedown, because it's inevitable.

Her mother is underground, more dirt than bone, her father is lost to his vices and now her brother is doing his best to follow suit. 

She's been trying to be a good sister but Andrea doesn't seem to want her help and she needs space, too. 

Sitting in a bar and drinking may not be the healthiest way to deal but she can get lost in the mix, be surrounded by people without having to be really present. 

The woman sitting next to her is alone too, and she looks familiar. She's attractive, Carina has eyes, but it's not just a line. She really does think she's seen her before so she strikes up a conversation. 

Maya, that's the woman's name, she's hesitant but obviously attracted and in the end she stays. She buys Carina a drink, they talk late into the night, the bar starts to close around them.

Carina pays rapt attention as Maya tells her a wild story about bears and the woods, and why she was at the hospital earlier, with a nose in a plastic bag, the thing that caught Carina's attention in the first place. 

Maya Bishop is the captain of Fire Station 19. She talks about her accomplishments plainly, without any sort of self congratulatory lilt and sometimes with a weight Carina can't quite place but she's fascinating, strong.

It's evident in the easy way she lifts Carina, when they enter her house, sits her on the front table in her loft, tugs down her jeans and underwear in one go, presses two fingers into her and holds Carina up when she shudders against her.

They do this for a while, the no labels sex thing until one day, Carina accidentally spends half a shift thinking about Maya and asks her on an actual date. 

Maya is quietly determined and ambitious, but also compassionate. She talks to Carina for hours about the state of city, underfunded sectors, the homeless. There's an intensity behind her words that makes Carina think it's a little personal, more than just a cause.

They've been seeing each other for a month and Maya is talkative but also a hard person to get to know. She talks carefully around herself in a way that seems practiced but she listens when Carina speaks, asks lots of questions about her life before, remembers things Carina mentions in old conversations. 

Maya is stubborn, but not unyielding, and Carina finds that most of her bluster is bravado, an act. She's shy about the volunteer work Carina finds out she does with three different food banks, brushes off compliments with tiny embarrassed smiles, kisses. 

Most things Carina learns about her are because she coaxes them from Maya when it's late and they're both bone tired, tangled together in bed. 

Maya runs, Carina learns this early when she's rudely awakened one morning, because Maya apparently prefers to run at predawn, before the world is awake. She asks if Carina wants to join her, gets a pillow to her face for all her trouble.

They have an afternoon date one day, go to the cinema to see an action film, something with superheroes. Carina prefers horror but it's an all female cast and she always has a good time with Maya. The movie is predictable but well directed, fun. 

They're cuddled on Maya's couch after, passing a glass of wine between them.

Carina doesn't expect much from her question of "what did you think of the ending?" but Maya launches into a whole monologue about superpowers, live action versus animation and Carina is tickled to find that Maya Bishop, hard ass fire-captain is a secret _nerd._ Maya doesn't even deny it just laughs, light and unencumbered then finishes off Carina's crusts. 

Carina tosses the pizza box on the floor, takes the glass out of Maya's hand, puts it somewhere on the table and straddles her. Maya's eyes go dark with promise, and she swallows hard when Carina does a little shimmy to reposition herself. 

"Keep talking. Something about Wonder Woman, isn't that what you were saying?" 

"Was I?" Maya leans up for a kiss, groans when Carina moves back, laughing. 

"No, go on. It sounded important."

Maya just rolls her eyes then flips them, so she's on top. As Carina's back hits the couch, she lets out an undignified yelp. Her life is still a lot, an ever present buzz at the back of her mind but when she's with Maya the noise fades to a hum. 

*

"What's this one from?" Maya asks, pointing at a scar on Carina's shoulder.

Carina looks down at the old puckered scar Maya's pointing to. "I was racing my brother in our garden when I fell and caught myself on a rock," she says.

Carina remembers that day clearly.

It had been an unseasonably hot day, during one of the few summers her mother had brought Andrea to visit Carina and her father in Italy. She couldn't have been more than 10, still young enough that she believed her family would eventually come together again, that her parents separation was temporary.

"It hurt," Carina goes on, "but as my mother was sewing me up, she also explained the healing process and by the end I was more interested in the science than the pain."

That summer was the first time she took any real interest in medicine. Both of Carina's parents were doctors but her mother was so far away and her father's career made her more wary, than anything.

"Is that when you knew you wanted to be a doctor?" Maya asks.

She opens the blanket she's been wrapped up in for the past 20 minutes, shuffles closer to Carina and drapes it over both of them. 

"So many questions," Carina replies teasingly, leaning in to kiss her. Maya nips on her bottom lip, smiles into the kiss. 

They're sitting side by side in the swing on Carina's balcony. It's been a week of mostly text conversations, and this is the first time they've been together in person. 

Maya crying in her arms last week was unexpected, but they'd talked after, about her captaincy and her peers not accepting her new position, and Carina finally got some understanding of the heaviness that Maya always carried but wouldn't mention. It had been a lot but Carina wasn't phased, she'd wanted to shield Maya with more than her body but had measured her response so Maya wouldn't feel overwhelmed. 

It was a lot to go through alone, to keep inside, and she'd anticipated that Maya would her keep her distance, after. Maya always tries for composed, but she's guarded; she thinks she hides her anxiety well but Carina finds her quite transparent. 

She had been pleasantly surprised when Maya showed up at her house a few hours ago. 

Maya had fumbled with a semi explanation then just asked if she could come in, claimed that the burgers she'd brought were the best in town and Carina understood the gesture for the offering it was. They'd kissed in the doorway until one of her neighbors got home and Carina had shuffled them inside.

They eventually got to dinner, and then made their way to the balcony, exchanging stories about their pasts.

"I've been going on," Carina says, "what about you? Tell me the story about that tattoo."

Maya groans, leans her head on Carina's shoulder. "I knew you'd bring it up. I hate that tattoo."

"Why?" 

"It was silly, I got it with the rest of team usa, I thought it was so original but almost every Olympian has a tattoo about that time of their life."

"I like it," Carina says decidedly, looking down at Maya's leg.

Maya's sitting cross-legged and with her jeans rolled up Carina can see her tattoo peaking out from under socks; it's a small tattoo, just above her ankle, a stylized version of the Olympic flame. Really, it would be hard to find if you weren't looking. 

Maya looks down at it, flexes her foot. "I don't even think about it anymore."

"You know, you've never actually told me about that day."

"Not super exciting," Maya says offhandedly, pulling the blanket tighter around them. "I trained, I won, the end."

"Wow, what an amazing journey, really, I could picture it as you were talking," Carina rolls her eyes playfully.

Maya chuckles, slides a leg over Carina and plops down into her lap with a grin. It's obviously a distraction but Carina's hands go to her waist anyway. 

She'd missed Maya this past week, a lot more than she expected, but she doesn't tell Maya that, because she thinks right now it might come out a little bit serious. 

"No more talking," Maya murmurs, sliding her hands around Carina's shoulders.

"No more talking," Carina agrees. She tilts her head up, captures Maya's lips in a kiss and lets the world fall away around them.

*

A a gust of cold wind settles under Carina's jacket as the door to her car opens. She holds up her purse— a measly defense, but it'll do—until she sees Amelia.

"God, Amelia, I almost attacked you."

"Whoops." Amelia settles into the front seat, tosses her bag into the back, narrowly missing Carina's forehead. "You offered me a ride at lunch, remember?" 

"I offered Teddy a ride, I thought you were going to wait for Link?"

"He got pulled into surgery and Teddy's on call so you've got me." Amelia says, leaning in to turn on the radio. "I was thinking we could go to yours and catch up."

"Sure, but I have nothing at home so let's get food."

"Sounds good, just stop anywhere. Oh! I saw your hot firefighter in the Pit today."

"Maya, her name is Maya, you know that." Carina says, smiling.

"Okay, I saw your hot firefighter _Maya,_ today." Amelia grins. "I know I said I'm not a uniform person but I think she's changed my mind."

"I'm so glad she could help you with that?" Carina says, shaking her head.

"She's cute, I get it. I've seen her around the hospital a lot more lately though, how many dates has it been now?" 

"It's been a few."

"Hm." Amelia nods and Carina only glances at her for a second, but she catches the impish look on her face. 

"What?"

"Nothing, your face just does this thing when you talk about her." Amelia says, snickering at the face Carina makes now, at her words. "It's cute, seeing you all invested."

Carina focuses on merging into a lane, doesn't answer.

"You're blushing." Amelia says, gleeful. 

"I'm not blushing," Carina rolls her eyes even as she feels heat burning her cheeks. 

"Oh, you really like her."

"We're here," Carina says, pulling into the parking lot. Here, is the dessert place Amelia has been bringing her and Maggie to lately. They only have 5 ice-cream flavors but their portions are huge, perfect for Amelia's pregnancy cravings. 

"Great, now we can actually talk," Amelia says, sitting back up. "I can't wait to meet her, when should we do that do you think?"

"Oh my god."

*

Carina has just hung up on her father and she wants to scream, but she still has to drive home so she takes deep even breaths, tries not to give in to her rage and resentment. 

A tense conversation from the start, it became a screaming match once he brought up her brother. She doesn't hate her father, doesn't think she could but sometimes, she wishes she did. 

He has been filling her brother's mind with all these inane theories and ideas. Yesterday, Andrea asked her what she thought about him moving back to Italy and it scared her. He's getting worse and she doesn't want to force help on him, he'll hate her forever, if it comes down to that. 

Carina doesn't want this responsibility, wishes it was never thrust upon her. She's terrified and exhausted and it feels like everything is fraying at the seams. 

She hardly remembers the drive home, but Maya is waiting by her door when she arrives. She forgot that they were supposed to go out, was too much in her own head.

"Feels like I haven't seen you in forever," Maya says, going on her tip toes to kiss her. 

"We're both adults. We work, we're busy." Carina's not loud but her voice is a little wooden; perhaps she could have chosen better words. 

Maya frowns, but she absorbs it. 

"I know," She studies Carina's face, glances down at her arms, sees them crossed defensively against her chest. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" 

"I'm sorry," Carina says. "I forgot about our date. It's been a really, really, bad day and I know we have reservations but I don't want to go out right now."

"So we'll stay in."

"Maya."

The rest of her sentence gets stuck in her throat. Carina wants to tell her to leave, her bad mood is quickly worsening and she doesn't want to take it out on Maya, say something she'll regret. 

Honestly, Carina doesn't get why Maya isn't taking the easy out she's offering her. 

"I'll leave," Maya says, "if that's what you really want. But you seem like you could use an ear, and I don't think you should be alone." 

Maya squeezes her hand, a small thing, but tears spring into Carina's eyes, unexpectedly. She tries to blink them away but they don't stop. Maya just wraps her into a hug, doesn't comment on the tears wetting her shirt. 

"My brother," Carina murmurs, sobs.   
  
Maya leads her to the couch, brackets her between her knees as they lay down, arms wrapped around her middle, casually protective. Carina tells her everything; her brother, her father, even her mother who Carina doesn't miss except for when she does, and it hurts, that she can't do anything about it. 

Maya listens calmly, doesn't offer baseless resolutions. She's angry for Carina when she tells her about her father, talks her about her own brother, Mason, about how she isn't even sure where he is right now. She assures Carina that she isn't a horrible person for feeling just a tiny bit worn out, that it's okay to need a break from it all. 

They talk late into the night and Maya shares a little bit too, but mostly listens. Carina hadn't realized how much she was carrying in her heart and it feels good to just talk, without fear of judgement. 

She must fall asleep because she wakes up in her bed, still in her work clothes but under the covers. 

She doesn't expect Maya to still be around—the left side of her bed is untouched—but when she walks into the kitchen, there she is. 

The kitchen smells like charred wood and Carina disables the smoke alarm before it can start blaring. She has her own fire expert here, after all. 

"What are you doing?" 

Maya starts, turns. 

"Oh, hey."

Maya's hair is up and there's a smudge of something red on her chin. 

"I was trying to recreate those noodles you made last time? You fell asleep without eating and I wanted to have something ready for when you woke up." Maya frowns. "But I followed the wrong recipe, maybe, and also I think I broke your oven?" 

Stir fry doesn't even go in the oven, she's not sure how Maya came to that conclusion but the absurdity makes her laugh. The heaviness Carina's been carrying around all day doesn't quite go away, but the ache of it dulls, some.

Maya half smiles, tosses the burnt pan in the sink. She steps closer, places warm hands at Carina's waist. 

"How are you doing?" 

"Better. Thank you for staying," Carina whispers. 

"You were upset, of course I stayed," Maya says, bringing a finger up to trace her jawline.

She brushes her thumb over Carina's lips, kisses her. It's the softest Carina has ever been kissed, by Maya, by anyone really. The gentleness of all of it, their entire night, it takes form in the sense of something raw and longing, makes her knees weak. 

Maya calls her baby, sometimes. Mostly when she's sleepy and always when she's drunk and this morning she jogged over to the hospital to deliver breakfast right as Carina ended her shift. Most days, Carina stays over at Maya's. She takes the left side of the bed, wakes up to Maya's hair in her face or to her already gone, the rumpled sheets and the hot cup of coffee she leaves for Carina the only evidence of her presence.

It's only been 41 days but it's like her heart doesn't know that, it beats a frenzy into her chest. 

It's too soon for absolutes but Carina thinks she could, maybe, love Maya Bishop. She knows she wants to try. 

*

Carina sends off a text to her brother, locks her phone.

She went with him last Tuesday to check in at Red River Mental Heath and Wellness centre and she's been trying to coordinate a visit. It's a good start, and Carina just hopes he stays for the entire program. 

She's going over patient reports when her door flies open. She doesn't look up, Amelia is the only person who bursts into her office with such fanfare. 

"I don't want to worry you," Amelia starts, and Carina still doesn't look up because Amelia's emergencies range from 'the coffee in Meredith's office is the best help me steal her machine' to 'my patient didn't wake up and I'm devastated, but I don't want to deal so I am going to tell jokes until I burst into tears' so Carina is going to wait and see. 

"What, are the vending machines out of those crisps you like?" Carina says, dropping her pen and leaning back into her seat.   
  
Amelia rolls her eyes. "No, and that was a horrible day, actually. I wanted to update you about Saturday. Looks like it's going to be a bust, forecast's calling for rain."   
  
"That's what she's going with," Maggie adds, as she walks into Carina's office. 

"What are we talking about?" 

"Amelia wants to ditch us for Link on Saturday." Maggie says, sitting down on the couch. 

"Really?" 

"No... yeah. Yeah. I know we waited forever for those tickets and Stevie Nicks isn't exactly young and this could be her last tour but—"

"You can go with Link," Carina says. 

Amelia squints at her. "That was easy. Why was that easy?" 

"You're ditching me too, aren't you?" Maggie sighs, points an accusing finger at Carina. 

"Yes," Carina doesn't even try to lie.

She's seen Maya in person maybe once, in the last two weeks. Work has been hectic for both of them but they finally have coinciding days off so she wants to take advantage. 

"You're both the worst." Maggie says, frowning. 

"We are. But we're really sorry. We can go see that play you wanted the next time our off days line up. Carina will come too." Amelia nods at Carina, widens her eyes, "right?" 

"Right. Whatever you want."   
  
"Whatever?" Maggie narrows her eyes. "Fine. But two plays. Musicals."

"Great," Amelia says, through gritted teeth and Maggie laughs. 

There's a knock on Carina's door then, but it's not all the way closed. Maya's standing in the doorway, still in uniform, hair falling out of its ponytail. Carina smiles at the sight, nods at her to enter. 

Amelia spins in her chair, waves. "Hey Blondie. Oh, you smell like an ashtray." 

"Thanks," Maya grins. "Are you sticking with Blondie? 'Cause I feel like we could do better."

"I like Blondie." Amelia says, teasing. 

Maya just rolls her eyes, shakes her head. They've known of each other for a while but last week they'd had breakfast, all 3 of them and they were getting along so well, Carina almost started to feel a little left out. 

Maggie waves, "Hi, I'm Maggie, Carina's other less rude friend."

"Maya, it's nice to meet you."

They exchange smiles and from the side of her eye Carina sees Maggie give Amelia a pointed look and glance at the door. Amelia doesn't acknowledge it just settles deeper into her chair. 

"We were just leaving," Maggie says, poking Amelia in the back. 

"Ow!" Amelia shoots Maggie a dirty look but stands up, makes her way to the door.

"I'll find you for lunch?" Carina calls out after them and they agree, nod their goodbyes. 

Carina shoves away from her desk, uncrosses her legs. "Hello."

"Hi." Maya smiles, moves closer and for the first time Carina notices that one of her hands is behind her back. 

"What's that?" 

Maya blushes, lightly, but she does. She holds a box out, hands it to Carina. 

"They're um, just some flowers. For you." Maya says, mostly to the floor. 

Carina doesn't even try to stop wide smile quickly spreading across her face. She takes the box from Maya and opens it. They're beautiful, light purple tulips, with a few sprigs of lavender in the bunch, wrapped in twine. 

"I know roses are your favorites but those burned before we could save 'em and the owner made everyone take flowers. As a thank you. And uh, you know I'm useless with plants but I thought you might like them." Maya is rambling a little, adorably hesitant, as she watches Carina's face carefully. 

"I love them. They're perfect." Carina brings them up to her face, inhales the sweetness of lavender. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yes, come." Carina beckons her over with a hand and Maya rounds the table, goes easily when Carina tugs her into her lap, kisses her.

"I've missed you," Maya whispers against her lips, and Carina sighs. 

"Me too." She tugs on Maya's belt loop. "But we have all of tomorrow night, finally."

"Actually," Maya looks apologetic. "Miller had a nanny emergency and I'm the only one free so I'm covering for him. But the day after, I'm all yours," Maya promises. 

"The day after," Carina echoes, picking up a tulip carefully.

They really are beautiful. Roses are her favorites, the one cliché she buys into, but flowers are always nice. Especially flowers from Maya. 

"Thank you for these. I'll have to get a vase from the gift-shop so I can put them on my desk." The hospital gift shop is strangely expensive, the price of convenience, Carina supposes. She doesn't mind, she wants to display her flowers. 

"They'll brighten up the place ," Maya agrees. She takes the flower from her, breaks off half the stem, slides it in between Carina's ID. She'll have to take it off before her surgery but the purple is a nice contrast against her salmon scrubs. 

Carina leans up to kiss Maya, slides a hand into her hair and licks into her mouth, only pulling back when air becomes a problem. Maya chases her lips, tries to draw her back, and Carina laughs. 

"Aren't you still working?" 

"Technically. But Warren has to fill out the drop report for the PRT and he always goes over it like, 3 times. I've got time."

Carina nods, leans into Maya's chest. She can hear her heartbeat, strong and solid, and a little fast. She relaxes, lets the last of the days anxieties leave her as Maya cards gentle fingers through her hair. She'll have to get up soon, prep for surgery, but for now she's just fine where she is. 

*

"Are you free tomorrow?"

It comes out mumbled, Maya's face half buried a pillow. 

Carina runs a finger down the valley between Maya's breasts, traces a birth mark. "I am, why?"

"There's this softball game against Station 23," Maya makes a face. "It's my first game since making Captain so I kinda have to play. And if you weren't busy...?"

"You want me to come watch you play softball?" Carina asks, amused. 

"It's dumb, I know."

"It's not dumb."

"It is though. And I'm not even good at it but if you didn't have plans I thought you could come and hang out." Maya blinks up at her as she says this, and she's still lightly flushed, hair askew, lips kiss swollen.

Carina had made up her mind to go the minute Maya asked. She doesn't even know what softball is, really. 

"So you're asking me to come watch you lose at softball?"

"Yeah, I- hey!" Maya echoes Carina's laugh, smacks her lightly on the shoulder. She's laying down so it's less of a smack and more of a caress. 

"I'm free," she says. 

"Yeah?" Maya grins. 

Carina nods.

"Awesome. There's usually food after so it won't be a total write off if we lose. I'm serious though, I'm really b- not the best player."

"Olympic medalist Maya Bishop isn't amazing at everything? Somebody ring the press."

"Alert the media," Maya corrects, laughing. "You make fun, but just you wait."

"I'm sure you're not that bad." 

/

Maya is that bad. 

Worse even, than Carina could have imagined. 

It makes no sense because usually Maya is coordinated, quick on her feet. It's astounding, really, that somehow she displays almost none of that on the field. Every bat goes sideways and Maya slinks dolefully off the field with a pout Carina can see even from up in the bleachers. 

Other than Maya, the rest of the team is quite good and they win. People are crowding around after the game, players and supporters alike; getting down to the field means bumping into too many people to count. 

Carina finally makes it, is met with Maya, sweaty and out of breath. She almost forgets where they are, pulls Maya in by her waist and leans down to kiss her before remembering that this is still technically a work event.

Maya doesn't seem to care because she leans up to kiss her, tugs Carina down by her collar. It's a mild kiss, barely a peck but Maya is private and there're lots of people milling around. 

Carina murmurs, "hi," between kisses, can feel Maya smiling against her lips. Maya pulls back with a sigh, rests her hands on Carina's shoulders and she's gorgeous, all pink cheeked and high energy and Carina wants to kiss her again. 

She doesn't, instead she pulls her closer by her waist until they're almost pressed up together. 

Maya says, "did you enjoy the game?" and if she was anyone else Carina would think she sounds almost... shy. 

"Of course I did," Carina smiles, tugs lightly on her ponytail. "You were so good, very energetic." 

"Carina," Maya grins up at her helplessly. "I didn't even hit the ball once." 

"But! You really wanted to. I could tell."

Maya rolls her eyes, smirks. "You're making fun of me. 

"A little, yes." Carina laughs. "I like your uniform though. You should consider working this jersey into your daily wardrobe."

"Flatterer," Maya says, blushing. She tangles her hand into Carina's hair and pulls her down for another kiss, this one more intense than the one before. 

Faintly, Carina's aware that they're all but making out in the full view of a third of the Seattle Fire Department and she isn't big on PDA herself but strangely, she can't bring herself to care. 

They pull back almost at the same time and Carina sucks on her bottom lip, tastes the familiar sweetness of Maya's strawberry chapstick. 

"Changed my mind," Maya breathes, "I love softball." 

Carina beams, pulls her closer. "Me too."

"Me three," is the loud interruption from behind Maya and they turn around to see Vic standing there with a smug look on her face. 

"Told you Bishop, players get the girls. It's simple math."  
  
Carina laughs and Maya pretends to be annoyed but Carina can see her fighting a smile. 

"Hi Vic," Carina says. 

"Hey, Carina. You coming to the after party? Spoiler, we're actually just going to grab food but winners don't have to pay! Your girlfriend tried to sabotage us but we still won so you're totally invited."

Carina turns to Maya, eyebrows raised. 

"We could go somewhere else. It's just gonna be a bunch of firefighters being loud and annoying-"

"I don't mind," Carina says.

She's met most of Maya's friends a few times, but only briefly and she knows they're important to Maya, especially now that she's trying to find a balance between captain and and peer.

"Okay," Maya says. "Yeah, we'll come." 

"Great. We'll see you guys later, then." 

Vic leaves, but not before mouthing something to Maya. Carina can't make it out but she sees Maya give Vic the finger, flushing a deep red as she does so. Carina decides not to ask about it, instead takes Maya's hand and leads them to the cars. 

/ 

"What about that couple with the bird?" Travis asks, gesturing with his beer bottle. 

"I almost forgot about that," Andy leans in, "it's like, if you're not going to clip your bird's wings, don't let it out. Warren was in the tree for almost an hour, trying to get it down."

So far, Carina is learning that getting people (and animals) unstuck from places is a major part of being a firefighter.

They're at Jonsey's, a sports bar she's never been to. It's spacious but crowded, with noisy flatscreens scattered across the premises broadcasting the game. It's loud, Maya wasn't kidding but Carina is having fun.

Most of the crew is squashed into a large booth in the back. Carina is sitting between Vic and Maya with Andy, Travis, and Jack sat across from her. 

"Oh my god, What about the time Maya—"

"Okay! No more stories." Maya interrupts, returning with drinks and food. She squeezes into the open seat next to Carina. 

Vic blinks innocently at her. "But I was going to tell Carina about the time you single-handedly saved that family from that monster fire?" 

"Liar," Maya snarks, grinning. 

Vic insists that was the story and they joke back and forth, eventually reeling the rest of the gang in. 

There is an easy comfort they all have that comes only from years of having known each other. Carina feels a pang deep in her chest and it's not jealousy, but recognition. She's reminded her of her own friends back home. Mina and Biagio and the rest of her close friends that she has the same casual intimacy with. 

"Hey," Maya puts a hand on her thigh, lowers her voice. "You okay? We could leave if you're over this. They won't mind." 

"I'm fine, just hungry." She takes a bite of her nachos as if to prove it. Maya still doesn't look convinced but she nods, kisses Carina softly on the cheek. 

They'll talk about it later. Maya knows about her friends, Biagio who she's known since she was a child and Mina who Carina dated for a bit but ultimately decided to keep as a friend. They've been begging Carina to set up video chat so they can meet 'her olympian' but with the time zones it's been hard to do. Maybe she'll finally get to it this weekend. 

"Anyone up for darts?" Jack asks, swiping a nacho. 

Maya slaps at his hand, narrows her eyes. "Get your own."

"I don't know how to play," Carina confesses. 

"I'm really good at darts, I'll teach you," Maya says, distracted from the food like Carina had hoped. She nods slightly at Jack, and he tries to take a handful but Maya catches him and smacks his hand away, again. 

"You _are_ pretty good at darts," Jack says, "but she should probably learn from the best." 

Maya scoffs and they have a stare off. It's silly, but it must be routine, this competitiveness between them because no one else seems surprised. Andy groans, Vic rolls her eyes, tosses straws at both of them. 

"You should see these jocks when they're drunk. They're ridiculous." Travis pats them both on the head, like children. "Dad loves you both."

"I really am the better player though," Maya whispers, as she leans back into the booth. Carina hides her smile by taking a sip of her drink. 

"Of course." 

*

Warren's surprise party is still going strong as the sun begins to set.

Most people have started to head inside. It's interesting to see all the doctors and firefighters mingling and dancing. Maggie has been chatting animatedly with Travis in the corner of the deck for a while but everyone else is congregated in larger groups, with drinks and food. Dean and Vic convinced Carina to dance and she tried to make Maya dance too but she found Amelia and they disappeared outside half an hour ago. 

They were supposed to grab drinks but Carina suspects they've gotten into one of the yard games Bailey set up for the kids. The kids are all on their phones or on the game systems in the basement and the adults have taken over their activities instead, placing small bets and forming alliances. 

She can hear excited yelps and loud music coming from below the deck as she descends, takes a drink from the cooler. 

Carina is happy for the break.

She had been in Ohio up until a day ago, as a keynote speaker at a maternal and fetal conference. Sharing her experience with other experts in her field was exciting, but beyond the hotel, Ohio was mind-numbingly dull and so, _so_ flat. She had never seen so much extended nothingness in her life. She almost understood those people who clapped when the plane landed back in Seattle. 

The day out has been good for Maya, too. The recent loss of her co-worker bears down on her. They'd talked about it but Maya had started to spiral a bit, kept going back to how it was her fault and Carina had tried to get her to see the facts but she's not too sure she succeeded. 

Maya gets lost in her own head, sometimes, is extremely hard on herself. 

It's something Carina had noticed a while ago, and there isn't a particular pattern but it happens often enough that she'd tried to say something. A few days before she left for Ohio she'd stayed over and Maya wouldn't talk all day, cocooned herself in bed and and didn't even go for her usual run.

Carina tried to address it with caution, compassion, but Maya never wanted to discuss it and would harden herself against any help. Carina just held her when she let her, tried to be a steady presence, let her know that she was there and not going anywhere. 

Maya hadn't wanted to come to the party but Carina convinced her to, thought it would be good for them to mix with their friends. 

"Would you say Maya's good with kids?" Amelia asks, sidling up to her. She offers her a bag of popcorn and Carina takes a handful. 

"...why?"

"I've been thinking, if this Link thing doesn't work out, I might trade up." 

Carina snickers, rolls her eyes. 

"Blondie's kind of awesome. And hot. And crazy strong." 

Amelia sounds a little smitten, and it makes Carina laugh. 

"I'm serious, never leave her." 

Carina just throws some kernels but Amelia catches most of them in her mouth. 

"There you are," Maya says, walking up to them. 

She's swaying a bit, her smile loose, wide. The sun has brought out her freckles, a small sprinkling across her nose and she still smells like fresh laundry, despite the grass stain on her left knee. Carina takes both of her arms, places them on her shoulders. 

"Did you win your game?" 

"No. Amelia cheats," Maya turns to glare at Amelia. 

"I do. It's my secret weapon, you should try it," Amelia suggests. 

They go at it, exchange friendly banter. Carina watches them fondly, wraps her hands around Maya's waist, steals a kiss when she takes a breath. Maya grins, kisses Carina properly until Amelia starts to boo and threatens to empty the entire bag of popcorn over their heads. 

* 

The Whole Foods is crowded, and it's a little much for a Sunday morning but it's the closest to Carina's house.

All her perishables had gone off; she forgot to clear her fridge before her little holiday with Maya. She's the one who drove them over because her fridge was empty too, she said. 

Maya was quiet in the car, grumpy. She'd had spat with Andy the night before; they've been trying to fix their friendship but it's still strained and it eats at Maya sometimes, Carina can tell. 

Carina bought them vegan soft serve from the cafe in the store, listened to Maya vent about Andy, smoothed out the crease between her eyebrows when she started to sulk too much, licked her cheek to make her laugh. 

They had split up when they started shopping, Carina to the produce and Maya to the deli.

She's about to text Maya when she spots her in the cereal isle. She's in worn trainers that Carina keeps trying to get her to throw out, and a faded black v-neck that Carina thinks used to belong to her. 

"I had that," Maya says, when Carina walks up behind her and plucks her usual cereal down from the shelf. 

Carina just gives her a tolerant smile, kisses her cheek as she hands the box over. 

She isn't that much taller than Maya but the box was on the second highest shelf and Maya was was glaring at it with it's claims of fiber and iron, like she was seriously considering jumping for it. Carina actually thinks all those cereals are spectacularly bland, but Maya insists they have different 'flavors'.

"I don't understand why you keep buying this," Carina says, lightly. "It tastes like gravel."

"No it doesn't," Maya gives her a wan smile. "You just hate food that isn't overly spiced or covered in tomato sauce."

"I have excellent taste, yes," Carina agrees, seriously. 

Maya takes her hand, smiles, a real one this time and pulls her close. 

*

Getting interrupted by Maya's mother was definitely an interesting start to Carina's morning but all things considered, she thinks it went pretty well.

Carina's down in the parking lot when she realizes she left her keys on Maya's desk and rushes back up to get them. She saw the trucks pull out but her keys should be where she left them and Maya doesn't tend to lock her door. 

The office isn't empty though. Maya's mom is sitting down, staring at the wall with a vacant look on her face, and maybe it isn't Carina's place but she looks so _sad_. 

"Are you alright?" Carina asks. 

Maya's mom dabs at her fingers with her eyes, smiles gratefully when Carina hands her a tissue. 

"Just allergies." 

It's said too fast to be true but Carina doesn't know her, she isn't going to press. Maya doesn't really talk about her family much. Once, Carina asked her about her childhood and she said it was strict, then redirected the conversation. 

"I'm Katherine, by the way. I don't think I introduced myself, earlier. You mentioned that you're a doctor?"

"Yes, I'm a gynecologist at Grey Sloan."

"That's very impressive," Katherine says, and this part Carina has done before.

Her profession has always pleased the parents of her past lovers, her title overriding any later issues they find with her.

"It's very fulfilling." She glances at her watch, sees that she's well on her way to being late, so she says a quick goodbye. 

/

"They're not yet back," Katherine says as Carina wanders into the firehouse. 

She's laying a table, standing under a handmade sign that says 'station 19 spaghetti dinner'. Maya invited Carina but she's a little early. She hoped to catch up on some work in Maya's office while the station got prepared. 

"Do you need some help?" Carina offers. 

Katherine nods, hands her a checkered table cloth and they help set up, along with a few other firefighters. 

Carina has met quite a few parents, but she's never needed to make it past the introductory stage. Her old involvements had never lasted that long, but, she's a great conversationalist and they make do. 

Katherine actually leads the conversation, asks her about where she's from, wants to know about her travels, how she finds Seattle. She seems to be avoiding the topic of Maya altogether, and Carina thinks she might not bring her up at all but Katherine's curiosity seems to win out, in the end. 

"You and Maya..." Katherine seems a little embarrassed to be asking, but she powers through. "Are you together?"

Carina takes a moment to answer.

Maya had seemed more shocked than anything else, about her mother's unexpected visit. She grabbed Carina's hand in front of her, an intimate gesture, and while Katherine doesn't seem like a secret homophobe, it's obvious Maya hasn't told her mother about them so Carina doesn't want to overstep. She decides to be honest, but vague. 

"Maya," she says, "is important to me." It comes out more serious than she intends, but she lets Katherine make her own deductions. 

Katherine smiles, her eyes crinkle at the sides and she looks a lot like Maya, in that moment. 

"That's—I'm glad. I mean. She looked happy and you seem very lovely, Dr. DeLuca." 

"Carina, please." 

"Carina," Katherine offers another small smile, touches her elbow lightly. 

She shares stories of Maya, tells Carina how Maya used to pronounce the word yesterday like 'lasterday' until she was 7, how she was once so excited to play the rock in her school play she slept in her costume for two weeks straight. It's nice, getting this glimpse into Maya's past but as adorable as the image of tiny Maya is, but Carina can't help but feel a little awkward about it all, discussing Maya like this without her knowledge, so she redirects, asks Katherine about herself. 

Katherine goes a little quiet, but Carina doesn't get to focus on that too much because that's when the team comes back. 

Maya's instant irritation at her mother is unexpected.

Carina understands though, in about 30 seconds, why Maya doesn't talk about her family much, and half of her thinks she shouldn't be witness to their conversation but the other half really just wants to hold Maya so she does.

Maya stalks off and even after, in her office when Carina tries to show her that she understands, reminds her of her own father's actions, Maya doesn't want to discuss it. 

/

Carina had left Maya's office meaning to give her space for the night but Maya texts her, asks her to come over so she does. 

She expects a conversation but Maya greets her with a kiss, backs Carina into the wall and sucks a bruise onto the side of her neck. Carina gets what she's doing, she's used to Maya using sex to redirect conversations by now. She stops Maya's hand at her blouse, thinks maybe they should have some kind of discussion but Maya's eyes are wide, and it's late. 

Carina nods her consent and Maya grins, pulls open her top so fast a few buttons pop off. Carina opens her mouth to scold her—it's one of her favorites—but her words melt into a gasp when Maya takes a nipple into her mouth, slips her hand into her pants. 

She's exhausted, when Maya finally lets them come up for air, and they fall asleep.

Morning arrives quickly but conversation is the furthest thing from her mind when Maya slides down her body. 

They're catching their breaths and Maya is calm, basking in the post orgasm glow and maybe it isn't the best time but she figures it's now or never and she broaches the topic, carefully. 

Maya isn't having it. 

What Carina thought would be a minor conversation, turns into something else, something Carina can't name. Maya gets mad, really mad, and after she leaves in a huff of anger, Carina considers that she might have pushed too hard.

She does this sometimes, gets too passionate when she cares.

That's all it is, she cares deeply for Maya, hates to see her hurting but she should have approached it more lightly, stopped even, when Maya asked her to.

Maya isn't ready to talk about her father, doesn't want to acknowledge what he did to her, doesn't even see it. Her denial is overwhelming though, she has to know the truth on some level.

Carina came to her conclusions about her own father years ago but it still stings sometimes, knowing that the man she had built up in her head is, in reality, not the father he should have been. Maya needs time.

Carina worries at her lip, reaches for her phone. 

_[ I shouldn't have pushed, I'm sorry.]_

There is no reply, not even an hour later after Carina has finished making lunch and she can't eat, still thinking of Maya.

She was just so _angry,_ when she left and Carina has seen hints of Maya's temper before, that day she brought her lunch and she sniped at her, even the night before, when she all but yelled at her in her office but this was different. Maya has never iced her out like this, never just ignored her. They were supposed to have left already for the Foster/White Gallery by now but Maya still hasn't responded. 

Carina is worried.

She tries to clean but it's useless, Maya's house is always spotless. Her eyes glaze over her paperwork, so she answers emails that have been collecting dust in her inbox, confirms lunch plans with Maggie for later in the week. 

Still no word from Maya. 

She takes a call from her brother, is happy for the distraction and immediately feels guilty. Andrea is doing well, he's set to come home soon, once he sorts out his medication. They catch up, he asks her about Maya. Carina tells him about their fight and he calls her a over involved. He's mostly joking but she feels bad anyway. He tells her to stay, convinces her that Maya is probably just cooling off and doesn't know what to say to her either, that she'll come back soon and they'll work it out. 

It's hours later when Maya eventually returns and Carina heaves a big sigh of relief to see that she's safe. 

That relief melts into stunned silence when Maya tells her where she's been and throws what she's done in Carina's face, uncaringly. 

It turns out that all the time Carina spent worrying about her was a waste because she was fine. Maya was somewhere under Jack, having _sex_ with him. Carina can't process what Maya's saying and her mind is racing. She can't— where... were they together at the station? Or did she go to his place? She can't think, it's all too much.

The tears come and they won't stop no matter how hard Carina rubs at her eyes.

They're wrong, all those people who say heartbreak feels like the earth dropping from underneath you because it doesn't, it feels like she's moving in slow motion, like someone is trying to dig her heart out from her chest with a table knife. She tries to take deep breaths, closes her eyes to clam down but when she does she sees Maya, sees Jack, then both of them and it makes her sick. 

/

Carina doesn't remember calling her, but she must have because Amelia comes to pick her up. 

Carina can't bring herself to tell her what happened and she's crying too hard to really make any sense. Amelia is about to check her for injuries, until Carina stops her. She tells her, between hiccups, explains the entire day, and when she gets to the end, Amelia curses then swerves and has to park. 

"Fuck." 

She keeps saying it over and over, glancing at her worriedly and Carina can't breathe. 

Amelia takes her to Meredith's. 

The kids are all asleep. Maggie and Meredith are in the kitchen cooking something and when Carina enters they go quiet. 

Nothing seems real. 

//

_They're sitting on the roof of Carina's building. Their last date technically ended an hour ago but when Maya heard Carina had roof access, she insisted they come up and look at the stars. There's a meteor shower happening tonight, apparently._

_It takes a while and Carina falls asleep on Maya's shoulder, with a promise from Maya to wake her when it all starts. Carina cares about the stars, they're pretty, but she worked back to back and was on call until early morning. She's drained._

_Maya gently shakes her awake a few minutes later but it's a false alarm. She starts to drift off but Maya says something and Carina shakes off the sleep._

"I'm not good at this."

_Maya says it without preamble and Carina doesn't understand._

_Maya explains, tells Carina she's not a relationship person, how she had almost canceled on her and it stings but it's good that Maya was honest, Carina thinks._

_Carina considers her words carefully. She likes Maya a lot, and she thinks Maya likes her too, but she won't do this if Maya isn't ready, if she wants out._

_She asks Maya if this is what she wants and Maya nods quickly,_ yes.

_Carina decides right there that they'll make it work._

_Maya is confident and interesting and Carina likes how she makes her feel, how Maya sees the world._

_She is deceptively gentle, too. Her hands on Carina are always hesitant, careful at her waist or neck or shoulder and she is never demanding in her touch, always, telegraphing her moves before she makes them, like she is still unsure, like her access to Carina, to her body, might be revoked at moments notice._

_Carina hasn't been sure how to say that Maya is allowed to touch, will be allowed to touch for as long as they keep doing this thing they're doing. She hadn't wanted to scare her off but she thinks Maya needs to hear it so she tells her._

_A star passes, then, and it's quiet for a bit as they watch the sky. Maya keeps looking up, long after the stars have passed. She tells her about growing up with certain expectations, about needing to have a clear head, no distractions, how she never made time for friends, for love, for any real connections. How she'd made her peace with counting only on herself._

_How before Carina she really believed that._

//

Carina feels like a fool. 

_I'm broken._

Maya told her, she _told_ Carina all those months ago and she didn't listen. It's not her fault, what Maya did tonight, but she was warned and she walked into the fire anyway. 

Meredith covers her with a blanket, Maggie brings her a cup of orange juice and Amelia makes her hot chocolate, the kind with tiny little marshmallows. 

They're treating her like she's ill and it makes her itchy, the attention, the pity. It's not them she's angry at, not them she wants to yell and fight with, that person isn't here, that person is probably fine.

Carina suddenly wants to be alone, let her body sink in on itself alone, let the humiliation and heartbreak and rage, because there is _rage_ , now, as she thinks back on the day, wants to let it consume her. 

"Want me to kick her ass? I'll kick her ass." Maggie deadpans. "I swear to god, I will." 

"Sometimes it's more about the other person than you," Meredith says. Carina already knew that, but Meredith is the oldest out of all of them, and Amelia told her once, how she lost the love of her life, Amelia's brother. She's been through some shit and she's still standing so Carina just nods, listens. 

"It's better that you know who she is now," Meredith continues. "And not later when you're really in love."

Carina just wipes at the already drying tears on her face, looks down. She can't console herself with that fact because she even though she hasn't actually said it out loud yet, she knows she had been falling for Maya—has fallen for Maya. 

There's a loud noise and they all jump but it's just Carina's phone. It's usually on vibrate but she turned the ringer on today, while she was waiting for Maya to call. 

That's who's calling now. 

_Maya._

Her name flashes up at them. The picture is one Andy sent, one of Carina's favorites, with Maya squinting at the camera, a slight smile on her face. 

"Nope. Absolutely not," Amelia grabs Carina's phone from her lap, where she was just staring at it dazedly, presses decline. 

The phone keeps ringing. Four times total, and each time Amelia sends it to voicemail. 

Carina is numb. There is nothing Maya can say, not now. 

"I'm blocking her," Amelia mutters, holding out thing phone for her pass-code. Carina takes her phone, sees the text notification from Maya.

[ _I'm sorry, Carina. Please let me explain. Please.]_

She doesn't want to hear it. She replies that they're done, asks Maya to delete her number, then passes her phone to Amelia. 

"I really didn't expect this from Blondie," Amelia says, hours later. She's sleeping down in the living room with her because Carina doesn't want to turn off the TV, she needs the distraction. 

They've put on a comedy, something with Sandra Bullock and a plain looking man. Carina watches them behave badly on screen as she lays her head in Amelia's lap, and tries to forget the past few months of her life, the lazy mornings, the kisses, the way Maya says her name, how she's always excited to see her. 

Carina doesn't say anything, just stares at the TV unseeingly. 

Amelia sighs. "I'm really fucking sorry, Carina." 

*

Two days later, Andrea calls again. Carina doesn't want to give him the bad news, and it's not that she doesn't think he can handle it, she just doesn't want to say it, so she lies. Tells him they're taking a break and he assures her they'll work it out. Her voice cracks when she replies but she coughs to cover it. She'll tell him eventually, once she's made sense of it herself. 

*

Carina misses her mother. 

She takes three days off because she's useless at work and her patients deserve better. 

Carina thinks about her mother, of the last conversation they had where her mother gave her her favorite perfume. It sits unused on top of her dresser. 

She wants to talk to her mother, wants to tell her about the woman she was falling in love with who broke her heart. She wants to hear her mother say that the feelings she has for Maya will soon fade away. 

Carina misses her mother and she misses Maya, goes from white hot rage to paralyzing sadness when she thinks of her. 

She drinks too much wine, an expensive bottle she bought when she first moved here. She was saving for it for something special, a birthday, an anniversary. It doesn't seem to matter now. 

She drinks until she falls asleep and when she dreams she sees clear blue eyes, smells smoke. 

*

It's been 6 days and her heart doesn't hurt any less but Amelia and Maggie broke in, forced her to take shower and wouldn't leave until she came out of her room. 

They're making her go out to eat, they say she needs to see the sun, get fresh air. They don't seem interested in the air in Carina's room. 

They drive right by Joe's, go to this new Thai place but god must have it out for her, (did she do something evil in her past life? she must have, she's probably going to come back as a roach) because Jack is there, leaning on the counter. 

Amelia and Maggie spot him too, a second later. 

Carina vibrates with fury, at the sight of him. She is a reasonable adult, she can control herself but she wonders, briefly, how it would feel to break his nose. 

Amelia looks like she might go up to him and say something but Vic comes out from the washroom just as she takes a step. She stares at all of them then just pulls Jack out without even waiting for their food. 

Vic sends an apologetic look back at Carina but she hardly catches it. She has seen a flash of blonde go by the window, is walking before she even knows what she's doing, but Amelia stops her with a quiet, "don't." 

*

"The interns all want off their gyno rotation," Bailey tells her, one morning. 

"Alright. Take them off. " 

"Dr. DeLuca."

"What, am I their mother? I deliver babies, I don't work with them."

Bailey just looks at her. She's heard about the break up, half the hospital is aware that something has happened even if they don't know the details. Carina has been a figure of cold rage for the past two weeks, doesn't talk more than she needs to, unless its to patients and even then. 

"It's not my business, I know, but Carina you can't let this ruin you." Bailey says, and the look on her face is so kind, Carina can't stand it. 

She looks away. 

"Tell the interns they have nothing to worry about." 

*

It's 1 am and Carina can't sleep. 

Her computer is open and she can see the notification from her old conversation with Biagio. She's been dodging his and Mina's calls because she doesn't want to tell them about the disaster that was her relationship. 

She calls him because she misses him and she's not going to sleep anyway. It's not even noon yet, where he is and he picks up, greets her loudly and delves right into conversation. 

Carina is quiet, unfocused, and when Biogio says, "Carina, mia cara, sembri infelice," she tears up, sees his eyes widen in alarm, through the grainy webcam video.

Carina tells him everything and he quickly adds Mina to the chat. Together they rant and rave, about Maya, 'about the nerve, the audacity of her, to cheat on their friend? doesn't she know that carina is brilliant and beautiful?' They're very Italian and very dramatic, but not wrong. 

Biagio offers her his villa in Athens, he's in London now but he wants her to go, get away from "those Americans," he says. He's always been fiercely loyal, loves her deeply, like an older brother, like family. 

She tells him she's going to stay and he doesn't look happy, but she insists she's just fine where she is. Seattle is home now too, and she has her people. 

Biagio tells her to forget Maya,"sai, Carina, potresti fare meglio," he says. 

He's trying to be help but she doesn't want to hear that now. It's too soon for that and what's more she doesn't want anyone else. She still stupidly wants Maya. Stubborn, maddening Maya.   
  
"Tu sei innamorata, si vede," Mina says, softly, interrupting Biagio. 

Carina doesn't answer but her silence tells them all they need to know. She does love Maya and her friends are more gentle, then. They remind her that she has gotten through heartbreak before and it's true but she has never felt like this. 

She is furious at Maya, that is true, but it's more complicated than that. She supposes that's how it is when love is involved. 

She doesn't want to feel this way, doesn't want to miss Maya. It makes her angry.

*

She goes back to Joe's. 

It's her place too, and Maya doesn't just get to have it.

She's trying to flag down the bartender when Andy walks up to her and Carina might have made it inside but she doesn't think she can handle anything else. 

"Hey," Andy says. 

"Hey."

"Look, I know what happened and I'm really sorry, okay? Maya is my best friend but sometimes she is such a fucking asshole." 

"Andy."

Carina doesn't want to do this, she shouldn't have come. 

"Wait Carina, just. What she did with Jack was messed up, _trust me_ I get that, but you have to know how much she loves you."

"Did she send you?"

Andy shakes her head, holds up her hands. "No way. Maya would kill me if she knew we were having this conversation. She pretends around the others but she feels like shit, if that makes you feel any better."

"It does, thank you."

Andy opens her mouth but whatever she's going to say is cutoff with a low, "fuck."

Carina turns to where she's looking and sees—

Maya. 

She looks good. She always looks good. She's trying for expressionless but she's biting on the inside of her lip, picking at her nails. She blinks. It might be a trick of the light but it looks like tears, in her eyes. 

Carina doesn't need to see anymore. 

She leaves without another word. 

*

A week after seeing her at the bar, Carina unblocked Maya, and a day later she got a text asking if they could meet and talk. She hadn't deleted it but she didn't reply.

She'd gone through their old pictures instead, and it burned, but when she sees Maya in the hallway on Wednesday, it doesn't feel like her insides are being dragged through gravel.

Maya doesn't see her, her attention on a little girl who is fascinated by her uniform. Maya kneels and hands the child her radio. Carina tries to harden herself, fall back into fury but any lasting tendrils of rage have blown away, in the last few days. 

It was only covering up her misery, anyway, and Carina never really could hold a grudge. Especially with people she loved. The gaping wound that was her heart has scabbed over. 

She is still deeply hurt, still feels betrayed, still can't quite believe it, that Maya isn't hers anymore.

*

Carina used to collect the things she learned about Maya like little sticky notes, filed them away subconsciously, but in the weeks since their relationship broke down, this habit has come back to haunt her. 

She finds herself recalling inside jokes and whispered secrets but also mundane random things. 

They come to her like flashes.

/

Once, Carina doesn't remember exactly when, in a rare instance of sharing Maya had admitted to her that she never went to her prom.

When Carina revealed that she hadn't gone to prom either(they weren't really a thing at her conservative Italian school) Maya had quickly found some alt-ninties-early-aughts playlist on spotify(to set the scene, Maya said) and pulled Carina up from the kitchen chair. The music was low, Maya's phone speaker could only go so high and their waltzing was more of a stilted swaying (Maya isn't the best dancer) but it didn't matter.

They danced for an hour, maybe less, through croony songs about following lovers into the dark and whispery indie harmonies about feeling like an alien and the only song Carina knew was how by regina spektor but she hadn't wanted to stop. They both had work the next morning and she wasn't staying over yet, those days. Maya had tucked a napkin in her collar(for your corsage, she said) held her tightly, kissed her after their last dance and thanked Carina for being her date. It was ridiculous and lovely and Carina had smiled so much at work the next day she heard some residents whispering about her. 

*

"Will you ever talk to her? Hear her out?" Maggie doesn't have to say who, Carina knows. 

This is one of the calmer conversations they have been able to have about this. 

"Yes." Carina is surprised at how quickly she answers but it's true. 

She has gone over it in her head, many, many, times and maybe it will be different once they're actually face to face, maybe her anger will leech on her grace but she wants to talk to Maya. 

Maggie sits up, gathers the paperwork she's been filling out. "Would you take her back?" 

"Don't you have surgery?" Carina says, instead of answering Maggie's question. 

"Canceled. I'm actually on my way out. You didn't answer."

"Maggie," Carina sighs. Usually she appreciates Maggie's shrewd practicality but right now Carina wishes she were less perceptive. 

Here is what Carina knows. She knows she loves Maya and she knows that she was happy with Maya, and that despite what she has done, Maya is not some evil, unfeeling person. Carina thinks she understands why Maya did what she did; Maya's emotional inavailability isn't breaking news, she felt cornered and lashed out. 

She has done a cruel thing. But that isn't who she is. 

There is a difference, Carina has to believe that.

In the 22 days since they broke up Carina has been thinking a lot. About calculated actions, intentions, compatibility, communication. 

Their relationship was good but there were things Carina should have addressed at the beginning, minor issues that would have become major issues eventually, and like all relationships it could have been healthier, but they didn't even get the chance to settle into it. 

They need to have a conversation. She thinks she might be ready to listen.

*

Carina gets out of surgery and the hallways are buzzing with the news about Pac North. 

She finds Amelia who fills her in and after, Carina shoots off a quick text to a researcher she knows, Katie, who works there and tells her that all but one of her colleagues got out, and firefighters are at the scene. 

Carina prays to a god she doesn't believe in, hopes it isn't Station 19. Katie confirms that it is. 

Maya is Captain so she doesn't always work the fires but Carina doesn't really know their protocol, she might be inside the building right now. 

Carina is worried about Maya, a familiar but almost forgotten sensation. It is not an unwelcome one. 

/

Maya says, "I was an idiot, please forgive me." 

Maya says, "I'm going to try to prove it to you, everyday, that you can trust me."

Maya says, "I love you."

Maya shows up in the middle of the day, at her work, drops this on Carina after weeks of nothing and she should walk away, she should shout, she shouldn't hear her out because Maya stomped on her heart. 

_but._

Today Carina couldn't stop thinking about the explosion, about what she would've done if Maya had died and she hadn't gotten to see her again. She might be making a mistake but she loves her.

Carina says, "I love you, kiss me." 

Maya kisses her, and it feels like before.

*

  
They have been together again for almost two weeks.

Things are complicated. 

When Carina announced their reconciliation to Amelia she just nodded, and there was no judgement, a little bit of concern, but she seemed like she knew it was coming. 

Carina wishes it was inevitable, that they could just pick up from where they left off.

At the time of their dramatic reunion, when adrenaline was pumping through their veins and 'i love you's' were being exchanged like pennies it had seemed possible to restart, but once heartbeats slowed, reality set in. 

The reality of their situation is that it is extremely difficult to navigate this new beginning and sometimes Carina wonders if they shouldn't just part ways for good. 

They'd spoken haltingly about the Jack thing, but most of their conversations quickly became a circling drain of accusations and then Maya wouldn't stop apologizing and trying to explain which only made matters worse. 

Carina loves Maya but she can't stand to look at her, doesn't engage in conversations with her past surface talk, changes the subject when Maya tries. 

Yesterday they discussed drapes.

If Vic hadn't come downstairs they might have moved on to blinds or curtains, who knows. 

That is another new development. Vic lives with Maya now, "until further notice," is what she had told Carina cheerfully when she walked in on one of their dates. 

Usually, she would be annoyed at having a constant third wheel but Vic has been a much needed buffer. Carina talks to her more than Maya at this point. 

It's not like Maya isn't trying. 

Maya tries so hard, she goes to therapy now, and Carina can see the differences in the way she communicates, the way she reacts to the world now. But it's like the more Maya tries the more Carina is reminded of why, of what was the tipping point. 

She can't move past that why. It's a big thing to move past, your girlfriend cheating on you with her ex boyfriend that she also works with. 

That first night, fueled by yearning, romantic proclamations and desire, they had slept together, and Carina had given in to lust, resolved to have an actual conversation in the morning.

Carina had woken up first.

Sunrise was just breaking but it was light enough to make out the already fading marks she had left on Maya's body, a littering of love bites on her neck, thighs, stomach. 

Her mind unbiddenly went to Jack and she wondered if he left marks on Maya like that, when they slept together. 

While Maya was supposed to her girlfriend.

She tasted bile in the back of her throat, shot out of the bed like it was on fire.

She left just as Maya began to stir, called for a taxi, didn't blink at the exorbitant morning rate, radiated rage in the back of the cab and shut down the driver's friendly attempts at conversation. 

And this not something she does on purpose, at first, but she avoids touching Maya after that. Doesn't sleep with her again, turns her head so kisses land on her cheek, in the air, until Maya doesn't try any more. They don't touch and Carina doesn't stay over. 

*

They have a late dinner.

It's one of their better ones, but still too quiet. 

Carina is achingly cold, Maya unfailingly polite, and both of them shadows of themselves.

It's too late to drive and Carina has had a few glasses of wine; she wants take the couch but Maya is already waiting for her to go to the bedroom like usual. Carina sleeps in the bed but shies away from Maya's searching hands, shuffles until she is at the very edge of the mattress, leaves a chasm between them.

/

Carina wakes to an empty bed and assumes Maya has gone for a run.

She brushes her teeth and takes a shower, changes into the clothes she never took back when they broke up and walks to the kitchen, hungry. 

The entire kitchen table is covered with food. Croissants and bacon and fruit and eggs and even the coffee Carina likes, she can see steaming in a mug. She'd thought Maya had gone for a run but she must have woken up early to do all this. 

"Hi," Maya says, standing up right when Carina enters, like she was waiting for her.

In the past, she would have woken her up, too impatient to wait, but in the past Maya wouldn't have cooked. She must have learned during their sabbatical. 

"You cooked," is all Carina can say. 

"Uh, yep. There's a little bit of everything. Or cereal, if you'd rather. I got the kind you like." Maya is calm but Carina hears it, the wild hope in her voice. She won't ask, but Carina can tell she wants her to stay. 

"I'm meeting Maggie and Amelia for breakfast." She has no such plans but she can't be here, can't sit and eat and pretend with Maya right now. 

"Okay, no worries," Maya says. Her voice is high, light, but she is frowning at the table. "Do you want to take the coffee?" 

Carina wants the coffee. 

Carina does not take the coffee. 

Maya is holding it out to her and she can't risk their fingers touching, in the hand off. 

"I'm going to be late."

She turns away, is halfway out the door when she hears Vic's voice. 

"Nice spread. Can I be annoying and invite myself or should I make myself scarce?" 

"Stay, eat whatever you want. It doesn't matter." Maya sounds defeated.

Carina closes the door behind her.

*

"Maya's on her way," Vic says, opening the door to Maya's apartment. "She got caught up at work."

"I heard." Maya texted her to let her know she'd be late and Carina remembers Maya telling her about Sullivan's suspension and all the new things she has to do now, as she works with the new interim chief.

"Yeah, I'm actually not even supposed to be here right now, but uh, here, take these."

Carina looks down at the flowers Vic thrusts in her hands, 6 long stem roses. She tries not to think of all the other times Maya has given her flowers, how they made her melt each time and how this doesn't feel like that. She puts them carefully back on the table.

"She obsessed over them, I had to make sure to give them to you immediately, she was very clear," Vic continues.

"Alright." Carina says, and she sounds curt, even to her own ears but she's tired.

Carina's had a long day. She almost lost a patient and even though she pulled through in the end, sometimes the darker parts of her job get to her. Maya made reservations and Carina's canceled on her twice in the last two weeks already so she came but she doesn't feel like waiting; she's tired and she wants to go to bed and not think about death and life and how things can so easily go wrong. 

Carina stands up. "It's getting late and Maya will probably take a while," she says.

"Are you leaving?" Vic sounds alarmed as she turns to watch Carina walk to the door. "What should I tell Maya?"

"I'll call her."

"But-"

"Bye, Vic."

Carina doesn't take the roses with her. She texts Maya in the car, turns her phone off before she gets a reply and takes the long way home. She doesn't feel better now that she's alone, but she knows she would have been terrible company; she's too worn to have any real sort of conversation and really, she doesn't want to try.

*

The pit is loud, busy. Carina almost collides with an intern as she walks back to her office. 

There is a hand at her elbow, catching her just before she can enter the elevator. She turns and Maya releases her elbow, gives her a small smile. 

"Hey, I thought that was you."

"Are you okay?" Carina points at the bruise on her collarbone, an angry purple. 

"Yeah, just a collision with a ceiling fan." 

She should ask about it, ask about the call. It's what she would have done before. 

This isn't before. 

"Anyway, I just wanted to confirm the date for that gala? The one with that famous doctor, it's tomorrow night, right?"

Carina blinks. She told Maya about it months ago, excited when it was announced that Ama Osei, a renowned gynecologic-oncologist was making an appearance. She can't believe Maya remembers but of course she does, she probably marked down the date, expected to go together. 

_Still_ expects to go together, but Carina only bought one ticket. They were broken up once they went on sale and she wasn't not going to go just because she and Maya were no more. 

"We are not going to the Gala."

"Oh." Maya scratches her neck. "Is the doctor not showing up anymore? Did they cancel it?"

"No, she's still coming. The gala isn't canceled. "

"Then why... are you on call?"

"Maya _we_ are not going to the gala. I am."

Understanding and something else, a look too quick for Carina to place flashes on Maya's face. 

"Oh," Maya says, quietly, "okay. Could we just talk for a second though, I-"

"I have patients." Carina turns around, presses the elevator button so hard her fingertips whiten. 

"Okay," Maya's voice is strained. 

Maya looks entirely too despondent for Carina to take. She isn't as good as hiding her emotions as she thinks or maybe she has just never been good at hiding from Carina.

She doesn't pick a fight, she doesn't do anything at all and it is unsettling, this hallow version of Maya who never contradicts Carina, never takes the bait, never gets offended. It agitates Carina. _Do something,_ she wants to say. 

She isn't losing her mind, she doesn't want a fight in the middle of the Emergency Department but she wants more from Maya than this quiet acceptance. 

The elevator is taking an extraordinarily long time to arrive and Maya is still there. She waits for a beat, maybe for Carina to speak again, say something that isn't another dismissal but Carina can offer no benediction. 

She takes the stairs.

*

Andrea has been back home for about a week. He's living with Meredith now. Carina doesn't think it's the brightest idea, staying with his boss slash possible girlfriend but he is doing well. He monitors his moods, takes his medications. He is content, and Carina is glad. She doesn't push about his living arrangements. 

That's where they are now, watching the children run around with water-guns. 

"You took her back? Just like that?" 

"Not just like that. We are working through a lot."

"So just like that," Andrea scoffs.

"Don't judge me, you dated your stalker. And remember Paula?"

Andrea's first girlfriend was a one of the worst people Carina had ever had the displeasure of meeting. He was so in love, blind to her ways. 

"She was the devil." Andrea sighs, "I'm not trying to be judgey, I just don't want you to get hurt again."

Carina gives him a sideways hug and he rolls his eyes but wraps his arms around her. 

"I'll be fine,"she says into his hair. "I love her, Andrea."

"I know." 

They lean on each other for a moment longer, until Andrea pulls way. 

"I don't have to like her though, right?" 

"You don't have to like her. But you need to respect her."

"Fine."

Zola chooses that moment to pop up, squirts ice cold water all over Carina and she squeals, jumps. 

"Don't swear," Amelia singsongs, joining them on the grass. "Kids are sponges they'll never forget. And don't say it in Italian either." 

"I wasn't going to swear," Carina lies, wrings out her hair on Andrea's shirt. 

"How didn't you see her coming? She literally stomped her way over."

"We were talking about Maya," Andrea says, tugging his shirt away from Carina's grasp. 

"Andrea," Carina warns. 

"Ah. You're not a fan?"Amelia shrugs. "Honestly, I was pretty pissed at Blondie myself but it doesn't matter what I think, we don't have to date her."

Carina doesn't say anything, watches the children roll around in the grass. What a mess, she thinks, glad none of them are her responsibility. 

"It's not perfect," she begins. "I am still _so_ angry at her."

"I figured," Amelia says. "You never say her name and when she stops by the hospital you avoid her."

Carina swallows, brushes a wet strand of hair from her face. "I'm trying."

"I get that. But if you have to try this hard is it even worth it?" 

Carina doesn't know.

*

Vic is in a production at the local Lemon Theater, has invited Carina and Maya along with the rest of the station (not Jack, he was otherwise occupied) to come watch.

Maya is sitting in the living room, waiting so they can drive together. 

Carina is looking for an earring, she always takes them off the moment she enters her house then promptly forgets where they are but she finds this one, hanging on the dish-rack, of all places. 

She puts it on and grabs the mug on the counter. Her tea has gone cold but she drinks it anyway; she hasn't eaten since leaving work and cold peppermint tea is better than nothing. 

"I should go," Maya says quietly.

Carina touches her face, she still has her glasses on, she was going to put her contacts in before they left but if Maya has to go back to work, Vic probably does too. "Is there an emergency at the station? Have they called you in?" 

"No. That's not— there's no fire. I just, I think I should leave your apartment. And probably not come back."

Carina looks up too fast. Her hand jerks and the tea sloshes over the rim, spills over onto her hand, her dress. 

"What are you talking about, Maya?"

"Carina, we don't talk. Not about anything that matters, a-and you leave the room when I bring up work and you flinch when I touch you." Maya is speaking quickly, frantic. "You get this pinched look on your face when you see me sometimes, like it hurts you to look me and I deserve it, I know. It's my fault, I'm the one who ruined us.   
  
Carina tries to speak but nothing comes out. 

"I'm in love with you Carina, and I know you said you love me too but I don't think you like me anymore." Maya sighs, wipes harshly her eyes. "You don't need to stay with me out of some sense of obligation."

Carina is quiet for a long moment. Her windows are still open and she can see the full moon from where she is standing, a tiny circle in the sky.

Maya watches her silently. 

"You're right. This isn't working," Carina says. 

Maya deflates; her face crumples and she takes a deep breath.

Carina rushes to explain. 

"I'm not- I'm not saying we should break up, Maya. But you're right. This thing we've been doing it—" 

Carina can't think of the word for this slow agony, not in any language.

"Really fucking sucks?" Maya offers.

"Really fucking sucks, yeah." Carina exchanges a smile with Maya then remembers, frowns. 

"I'm sorry," Maya says, "I'm so sorry."

Carina walks to the couch, sits opposite Maya. 

"I haven't forgiven you. I thought... I thought I had but I haven't."

"Okay," Maya says. "You need some space."

"That's isn't..." Carina considers her next words carefully. She's been thinking, in the two weeks since Amelia asked her that question. Maya did terrible thing but she has been trying hard, just like she promised and Carina has been unyielding, refuses to give her even an inch. 

"I have been treating you horribly. For weeks now, and you don't even react you just take it." 

"I deserve it," Maya shrugs, her eyes are red, when she looks up. "I fucked up, and you get to be angry at me, and you get to take all the time you need and treat me like shit as long as you feel like it." 

"Maya, don't say that."

"But I can take it," Maya folds her hands into fists, wipes her face on her shoulder. 

Carina has been sitting with her hands in her lap but at this she takes Maya's hands, unfolds her fingers, strokes her palm over the red crescents left by Maya's nails. 

"You shouldn't have to. I know I have a right to be upset but I've gone past that, I've been unfair." 

She thinks about how she almost never responds to texts or cancels plans at the last minute or ignores her when they're together, talks to Vic instead, how she picks fights, says vicious things just to see Maya's face fall.

"I've been awful too, and it's not the same, as what you did but a relationship shouldn't be about retaliation." Carina sighs. "I... I do need time to fully forgive you. And trust you."

"I understand."

"But I can try. I _do_ still like you Maya, and I miss you all the time, even when you're here because we don't interact. And that's my fault."

"Carina," Maya falters, squeezes her hand. "I miss you too, so much, it feels like my my heart is missing, sometimes." 

"Me too."

They're both silent, contemplating the conversation so far. A car passes by, honks; someone in the street yells; the air conditioner hums. 

"You broke my heart, Maya."

"I know, I was angry and I hurt you and I never want to hurt you." She doesn't apologize again and Carina is glad for it. 

"I still want to be with you, Maya, I-" Carina cuts herself off. She can't quite say those words, not yet. "I want this to work.

"Me too."

"So, I forgive you. I'm saying it and I'm going to act like it but— I might still get a little angry, sometimes," Carina admits. 

Maya nods and when she looks up Carina sees that her eyes are glistening, wet. Carina cups her cheek, wipes at the stray tear that falls. "You don't have to try so hard to make amends, Maya, this isn't an obligation, alright?"

"Okay, so can we..." Maya sighs. "Can we just talk? I miss talking to you."

Carina's heart clenches painfully at that, a simple request. 

"Of course, of course we can talk." Carina moves a little closer, brings a leg up onto the couch. "Tell me something, something new." 

Maya just stares at her for a moment, takes in their proximity. Carina relaxes, doesn't flinch when Maya reaches for her hand, runs a thumb over her fingers. 

"Horses have whiskers," Maya says, quietly. 

"... what?" 

Carina expected maybe another apology, a declaration of love, even. Not this. It startles a laugh out of her.

 _"What?_ " she asks, again. 

Maya gives her a wry smile. "Vic made me watch the discovery channel last night and it was the first thing I thought of."

"You know I think horses are—"

"Four legged demons, yes," Maya laughs, a wet low thing. "But Carina, they have whiskers, how scary is that? _Whiskers."_

"That's how they lure you in," Carina says. This is a ridiculous conversation and she is grateful for it, for this respite. She catches Maya's eye and they laugh, good loud laughs. 

Nothing is perfect. They are going to miss Vic's play to talk and the conversation will be difficult and tense and sad; there will be many difficult conversations in the future as well, but Carina wants this and she intends to fight for it. 

She's held on to grief and rage long enough. 

/

Voices were raised and the conversation got heated; in the second hour Carina left and went to her room because Maya kept mentioning Jack and she understood why, but it was still. A lot. 

But she came back, or rather, Maya came to her get her, and their conversation was less angry, that time around.

In the end it's like this: Maya is sorry, genuinely sorry, and she's going to keep working them, on herself. Carina will as well because as much as Maya has hurt her, when things are good between them, it feels incredible and Carina has never been happier. She knows that when Maya tells her she loves her she means it, and while things will never go back to the way they were, but they can start something new, something honest and real. 

Around dawn, they both fall asleep on the couch. They're on separate ends but they must drift together in their sleep because Carina wakes to Maya running her hands though her hair. She doesn't shake her off, and eventually she falls back asleep to Maya's fingers softly carding through her hair.

*

Maya's in Carina's office when she comes back from surgery, holding a cup of coffee.

"Hey," she says, offering the cup to Carina. It's from DeAngelis', her favorite café, one of the only places in town that gets coffee right.

"Hi, thank you," Carina takes the drink, smiles at Maya gratefully.

"I thought maybe I could give you a ride home?" Maya says, leaning on her desk and looking up at her expectantly. "If you didn't drive. Shit, I should have texted to ask if—"

"I didn't drive, I was going to get a ride from Teddy but I'll just text her and let her know that you're driving me instead."

Maya brightens. "Great, I'm just parked in the back."

In the car, Carina tells Maya about the fetal spinal surgery she's performing with a band of other surgeons and specialists in a few weeks. Maya listens, asks all the right questions and is genuinely enthusiastic when she comments on the procedure.

"That's amazing," Maya says, parking in front of Carina's building. "You're amazing."

She turns to Carina with a soft smile and normally, this is where she'd lean across the car to give her a kiss but neither of them moves to do so.

"Do you want to come up?" Carina asks, when the silence starts to go on for too long. "Maybe eat something?"

It's a lame opening, she wants Maya to come inside but she'd only just decided as they pulled up to her building. 

"Yeah, I would love to come in." Maya says with a wide grin, turning off the car.

The elevator is old and it groans as the doors open.

"Tell me more about this procedure," Maya says, once they enter.

"You really want to know?" Carina asks, "I left out the really complicated parts in the car, I didn't want to bore you."

"I really want know. Plus, you get so excited when you talk about it, you're cute." Maya turns to face her, smiles, and for a moment they're just looking at each other.

Carina mirrors her smile, and when Maya reaches for her hand she doesn't move away just lets their hands connect, warm and solid.

They both lean in, slowly, but the elevator stops and someone else enters; the moment is broken. 

Carina tries not to stare daggers into the back of the head of the man that's just entered but, if Maya's quiet laughs are any indication, she's not very successful.

*

The phone rings once, twice.

Carina is about to end the call when Maya picks up.

"Carina? Is everything okay?"

"Yes," Carina says. "I was just calling to talk."  
  
"Oh, okay, great." Maya sounds a little surprised.

"Can you talk right now? Am I interrupting?" 

"No, I was just making a sandwich but here—" there is scraping sound, a clash, the low hum of people talking. A door clicks and then it's quiet. "I'm alone. What's up, you're off today right?"

"I am. Tomorrow too. That's actually why...um."

"Carina?"

"Do you want to go on a date?"

"Yes," Maya says, immediately. 

"They're playing one of your commander america movies-"

"Captain america," Maya corrects, with a small laugh. 

Carina actually knows this, she just likes the look Maya gets when she pronounces things incorrectly, her bemused little stare. She can't see it now but she can picture it. 

"Would you like to go tomorrow? Maybe in the evening?"

"Sounds good. Wait."

"Hm?"

"I thought you considered those movies 'bottom barrel cinema'?" 

"I used to think that—"

"Used to?"

"I watched one or two. When we were apart."

"Yeah? And what did you think?"

"Too much CGI but the black widow is sexy and I like Thor."

"The hottest characters," Maya says, teasing. 

Carina smiles, settles a bit more on her couch. The door clicks, Carina hears footsteps and then a familiar blaring. 

"I gotta go," Maya sighs. "But text me later with the details?" 

"I will."

"Bye, Carina"

"Be safe, Maya."

/

It's almost like a first date; they're a little hesitant, awkward. Maya buys snacks, Carina pays for their tickets. 

They sit side by side in the dark. Maya's hand is on the armrest and halfway though, Carina scoots down in her seat, leans on Maya's shoulder. Maya gives her the last of her smarties. 

The AC is high, it's cold in the cinema and when Carina shivers, Maya offers her scarf. 

She whispers explanations when Carina looks confused, glowers at anyone who throws them dirty looks for talking. They're holding hands when they leave.

"Say it," Carina says after they've walked a block, the sun reflecting from the glass windows. 

"Say what?"

"I know you have opinions about the movie, go ahead, tell me."

Maya pretends for one more second then breaks. "It was amazing? They should've given black widow her own movie like, yesterday. The story could have been stronger but the acting really sold it, right? And the fight scenes!"

Carina smiles, amused at her excitement. "I liked it. Not as much CGI as the other ones. I think black widow looks better blonde, though."

Maya gets a funny look on her face, says, "shocker."

"What does that mean?" 

Maya just grins, tries to pull them along, doesn't reply.

"Maya."

"Okay, fine. It's just something I noticed."

"What?"

"You have a thing for blondes." 

"A thing," Carina repeats. 

"You've dated a lot of blondes."

"Not a lot."

"I've seen pictures your exes," Maya points out. "Also, _me."_

Carina scoffs, "a coincidence."

"A _thing."_ Maya is laughing now, and two passersby turn to stare. 

Carina waits until they cross the street, tugs her under the awning of a store. Maya stumbles, Carina rights her, hands at her waist. She looks down at Maya's lips, and when she meets Maya's eyes she's smirking. 

"Fine," she says softly. "I like blondes. Are you happy?"

"Very." Maya leans in, and when Carina doesn't pull back, kisses her. 

*

"God, I'm gone for two seconds and y'all can't keep it PG?" Vic says, rolling her eyes as she comes back to the kitchen.

"This was our date, you invited yourself," Maya reminds her. 

Carina is sat sideways on her lap and Maya doesn't look up from where she's nibbling on her ear; her hands are under Carina's shirt, scratching gently at her sides. 

"Seriously," Vic raises her eyebrows. "Can you two not disrobe while we eat dinner?" 

"Actually," Carina reaches behind Maya to get her purse. It's hanging from the back of the chair and she rifles through it until she finds what she's looking for. 

"What's this?" Vic asks, catching Carina's keys with one hand.

"My keys. Sleep at my loft tonight, eat anything in the fridge."

"Why would I... oh. _Oh."_

Vic grins, gives them a two eyed wink and hurries to her room to pack.

Maya pulls back, flushed. "Are we—"

"Yes."

"You're sure? It isn't too soon?"

"I'm sure. Are you?"

"So sure," Maya says automatically. "So, so, sure."

"Oh, did you miss me?" Carina means it teasingly, but Maya answers seriously, nods.

"Like a heartbeat."

*

The door rings and neither Carina or Vic move to answer.

They're lounging on the couch, sharing a bowl of fruit. Vic is stretched out sideways, watching something on her computer while Carina chats with Mina on the phone. 

She points at the door and back to Vic and she groans but gets up to answer. 

There is a whispered conversation going on between Vic and who ever it is at the door but Carina doesn't look up until she hears an annoyed, "dude, what the hell?" from Vic.

Jack.

He's standing just inside the doorway and Carina sees red. 

"Adesso devo andare, Mina. Ti chiamerò più tardi." Carina hangs up without waiting for an answer, stalks up to Jack. 

He takes a step, his back hitting the wall.

"Why are you here?" Her voice is even, but her anger is obvious in her glare, her stance. 

Vic pokes his shoulder. "When I said I was hanging with Carina it wasn't an invite, _dumbass._ "

"I want to punch you in the nose." Carina doesn't mean to say it but it's true.

She has thought about it many times. She would never actually hit him, violence isn't the answer, etc, but her hands fold into a fist and he notices.

"Um, okay?"

"I am not going to," Carina says, magnanimously.

Jack looks to Vic for help. She shrugs, moves to stand next to Carina.

"I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize, then," Carina says. She wants to not be looking at Jack right now, but she also wants to hear what he could possibly say that would melt the ice in her veins.

"Right. Yeah. Carina, I'm sorry-"

"Shut up."

Jack looks baffled. "Shut up?"

"Yes, I have decided I don't want to hear it." Her voice cracks and her eyes burn and she hates it. She doesn't want to be crying in front of _him._ She isn't even sad, she is furious. 

She sniffles.

"Yeah, get the hell out of here," Vic nudges at Jack to go.

"You can punch me in the face," Jack blurts, unnerved by her tears, most likely. 

Carina folds her arms, shouts, "I don't want to punch you in the face, I want you not to have slept with my girlfriend!" 

It's quiet. 

From Vic's computer comes a tinny bellowing, music from the opera she was watching. 

No one speaks for a long moment and Vic keeps looking between them like a referee.

Then, Jack says, "I wish I hadn't. I wish me and Maya-" 

"Don't say her name."

Carina is not a jealous person but Jack says 'Maya' and something cold and possessive in her goes, _mine, maya is mine. never look at her._

It's juvenile and unwelcome and she grimaces at herself.

Jack sighs, but continues. "What happened was fucked and it should've never happened. I know you don't want to hear it but I really am sorry. I was in a bad place and so was Ma- she. And we did a stupid thing that I regret."

Carina doesn't give a shit about his regrets or bad places. 

"Do you have feelings for her?"

"I'm actually seeing someone, a psychologist? We're working through that, my need to constantly be attach-"

 _"Oddio._ Jack, are you serious? I don't give a fuck about your personal enlightenment." Carina takes a deep breath, leans on the wall. "Do you have romantic feelings for my girlfriend?"

"No, I don't. But it wouldn't matter if I did."

"Excuse me?"

Jack shrugs. "She's so into you, no one else is even on her radar."

Carina already knew this, but it's still nice to hear, even coming from Jack. 

"So uh, yeah, I hope you can accept my apology."

"I acknowledge it."

Jack nods, like it's more than he expected. It's more than Carina thinks he deserves but he made an effort, she can be charitable. 

"I'm going to go," Jack says. He opens the door, slips out and Carina and Vic are alone again.

"He's an idiot but he's right, by the way," Vic says, throwing a hand across Carina's shoulders. "Maya is totally in love with you. It's gross, she's all peace and light now. Yuck."

Carina laughs and they drop down together on the couch. She leans on Vic's shoulder, watches the opera with her. It's one she recognizes, Carmen. Her french isn't great and they're singing in cursive but she understands. 

"Do you know what they're saying?" 

"Mostly."

"Of course you speak french. Why couldn't you just be hot?" Vic rolls her eyes fondly. "How are you nice and smart, too?"

She's kidding, but it warms Carina's all the same. She passes Vic the last strawberry, for lack of a better response. 

They've gotten close, she and Vic, in the last few months. She's funny and sometimes talks more than she listens but she shows up, when it matters. 

*

"My mother is obsessed with you," Maya says, "don't be nervous. 

They're getting ready for breakfast with Katherine. She and Maya have been rebuilding their relationship, meeting every week for the past few months. Yesterday Maya asked her to come along. Carina has already met her mother but that was different, this is official and she knows Maya mom likes her, sends her baked goods with cute little notes but still. 

"I'm not nervous. I just want to make a good impression."

"Babe, she literally calls you 'That Nice Carina' you've made the best impression."

"I'm going to change."

"I'll be in the car."

/

"Carina doesn't want to see this, mom." Maya says, petulant, folds her arms like a sulky teenager. 

"Carina definitely wants to see this," Carina says, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

'This', is the album Katherine pulls out as they wait for her muffins to finish baking. Carina has her phone, ready to take pictures of her favorites; she needs a new lock-screen. 

"Oh! I almost forgot, the people at the library helped me change our old VCR's to CDs. I even have one on my phone." Katherine pats Maya's leg. "Honey, did you know you can get videos on your phone?"

Yes, mom."

"I can even connect it to the TV with the WiFi, did you know that?"

"Yes, mom," Maya smiles, embarrassed but fond. 

Katherine turns on the TV, fiddles with her phone. "Look, girls."

The video is old and the footage is fuzzy but Carina can make out a blurry 11.11.95 in the corner.

"Hi Grandma," toddler Maya says from the screen. 

She's standing next to a little boy, also very blonde. Mason, Carina assumes. They're wearing matching jumpers, holding hands.

"Gramma," Mason lisps, "you are very old."

"How many years is 60?"

"Maya it's my turn!"

"Is grandma going to die?"

Muffled laughter rings from the person taking the video and a high voice— Maya's mom, says, "oh my god I can't send this." Then louder, "kids. Grandma isn't going to die. This is for her birthday, remember? We're going to her party on Friday."

"I wanna color," Mason pouts. 

"I wanna be a dinosaur," Maya says, then lays on the floor. 

The video scratches and the rest is to corrupted to watch but it's sweet and Carina tells Maya as much. 

"Mason was my bestfriend but he always made friends easily," Maya shares. "I was such a shy kid."

Katherine agrees, "you were a a very quiet baby. I used to check on you all the time when I brought you home from the hospital because you never cried."

The oven dings and Katherine gets up to check on the food. 

"Your mother is adorable." Carina says. 

"She seems good, right?" Maya looks to the kitchen where her mother is sliding on oven mitts.

"She does," Carina assures. 

Katherine is in the process of divorcing Maya's father. Carina will probably never meet him and it's still hard for Maya to talk about him without withdrawing, but they've come a long way.

/

"I'll see you soon? Katherine says, hugging Maya. 

Maya looks to Carina and she nods. "Actually mom, we were hoping that maybe we could come over for thanksgiving this year? If you wanted." 

Katherine nods, chokes up, says, "of course I want. That sounds great." 

She hugs them both, hands Carina a ziploc bag of banana chip muffins. 

*

Maya has been skittish all night. Carina peeks out from the bathroom to find her sitting straight up in her bed, the book she was reading laying face down on a pillow.

Her head snaps up when Carina enters the room.

"You're naked," she says, delightedly.

"I just took a shower. We're going to bed."

Maya sighs exaggeratedly, but laughs when Carina climbs on her and kisses her. 

"So—"

"Still sleeping."

Carina goes back to the bathroom after putting on her pajamas, one of the many old Olympic shirts she liberated from Maya's closet. This one is a soft cotton shirt with 'M. BISHOP' on the back. 

Maya enters the bathroom just as she starts brushing her teeth, watches her silently. 

"Whaooarewooing?"

"What was that?" Maya asks, grinning.

Carina spits. "I said. What are you doing, why are you watching me brush my teeth? "

"No reason. You look cute."

"Right now?"

"Especially now."

Carina just rolls her eyes, keeps brushing.

It's obvious Maya wants to tell her something but doesn't want Carina's attention to be solely on her so, Carina rinses, washes her face again, starts her skincare routine. 

She's patting serum onto her cheeks when Maya speaks.

"I'm on anti-depressants." Maya takes a breath, goes on, "I wanted to mention it earlier but we were doing so well and I didn't want you to think I was damaged." 

Carina puts down the tube of cream, catches Maya's eye in the mirror. "Maya, how could I ever think that? You're not damaged. You were never damaged. Antidepressants are medicine, just like any other medicine." 

Maya meets her gaze then blinks away. 

"I know that now, but before, I didn't want..." she shrugs. "My psychologist thinks I have depression. Thinks I've had it for a while, like maybe since I was a kid."

Carina holds her arm, pulls Maya to her, listens. 

"I didn't know kids could get depression but all the stuff she said? It made sense and it explains a lot about me, growing up. And now. It's only for a bit, we're seeing how it goes but I wanted you to know."

"Thank you for trusting me and telling me," Carina presses a kiss to her temple, and they stand in the bathroom, quiet. 

"I hate my dad," Maya says, eyes blank in the mirror. "I hate what he did to me and I know it's not my fault and that I'm not supposed to be ashamed but it took me so long to even realize. I was so desperate for his approval."

Maya's a little stiff, but she isn't pulling away.

This isn't the first time they've had this conversation over the last few months. The first couple of times Maya wouldn't leave but she would be silent after, wouldn't let Carina touch her. She still goes to therapy and Carina'd noticed that she had an alarm on her phone for something at 8pm every night but she didn't want to push. 

"Parents are supposed to love their kids," Carina tells her. "Children don't have to do anything to earn it, the parents are just supposed to love, freely. He failed you, not the other way around. You weren't desperate, you were a kid." 

Maya nods, turns in her arms for a full embrace. 

"I love you," Carina says, a reminder. 

She tells Maya all the time, through kisses— ' _hi, bye, i miss you, you look cute, because i wanted to_.' She told her this morning Maya came back from work smelling like the sewers— _i love you, but if you touch me i'm leaving',_ she told her two nights ago, when Maya pressed a cup of tea into her palms as she worked, begged her to come to bed, _'five more minutes, i love you.'_

It's simple and deep and every-time she says it or feels it, warmth courses through her, steady and tender and sure. 

"I love you, Maya." Carina says again, running a careful hand down Maya's back.

"I love you, too," Maya breathes, muffled. 

"I never want to see my dad again," Maya continues, like a confession, like she doesn't have the right.

Carina bites her lip against impotent rage at Maya's words, her pain. There is no one to direct it to, they're here together and safe and and the past has already happened. There is no way to change it.

"You never have to," Carina says.

  
*

  
Carina is two hours into a laparoscopy; her patient has a pelvic mass, and she has been working to untwist her ovary. A long but uncomplicated procedure. She is about to make another incision when Helm bursts in the OR. She's holding a surgical mask up to her face, eyes wide, nervous. 

"Dr. DeLuca, there's been—"

"Helm, you can't be in here, whatever it is—"

"It's Captain Bishop."

Carina freezes. The scalpel shakes in her hand. 

"What?" 

"She was just admitted, they're taking her up for surgery now. I know you can't leave, but Dr. Grey thought you should be informed."

"Is she stable? What happened, why is she," Carina can't breathe. She puts the scalpel down. 

Helm is right. 

She can't leave, Dr. Loughlin is away for the weekend, at a conference. Calling someone from Seattle Pres will take too long and she still has an hour or so to finish the procedure. 

"Dr. Pierce is working on her."

"Why? What are her injuries, tell me-"

"Dr. Bailey said you need to focus and not to-"

"Helm, you need to tell me everything you know about why Maya is here. Now," Carina's voice is low, frayed. "Right now. Tell me right now." 

Crush injuries, possible pneumothorax with internal bleeding, sharp object lodged in upper chest cavity and maybe more, that's all Helm knew. 

Carina can't leave, can't wash her hands and go to Maya. Her patient needs her so she pushes it all away, takes even breaths, clears her head, focuses on her surgery. She can't think about Maya laying in a cold OR bruised and bloodied or what other injuries she might have sustained. She grits her teeth, redirects, concentrates. 

/

The hallway is filled with firefighters, many whom Carina has never seen before and she is thankful Maya has so much support but right now it feels like a vigil, like the celebration of a memory. 

They all stare at her and she's glad for Amelia by her side but she gets paged. Travis and Dean help lead her through the crowd, get her to Maya's room. 

Vic and Andy are standing and sitting next to Maya's bed. 

_Maya._

This morning she sent Carina a picture of her breakfast, lucky charms, with a text [ _This is my 3rd bowl, I love them, you did this to me]_ and now she is lying in a hospital bed.

Her face is pale, so pale, and she looks small, like an echo of herself.

The monitoring wires are hooked up to her and there is a thin line of stitches from behind her ear. Her bandage is peaking out from her gown and when Carina gets closer she can see flecks of dried blood around her nose. There are bruises littered on the side of her body, dark yellows and blues but her heart monitor is steady, the beeping of the machine loud in the silent room. 

She drags a chair up to Maya's bed, as close as she can get it. Maya's hand is cold when Carina takes it, and she bites back a sob.

"What happened?" Carina has to force the words out, doesn't look away from Maya.

"We got called to an apartment fire, " Vic says. "We were almost out, Andy and Maya were clearing the second floor but the building gave in, that happens sometimes, even when we check," Vic runs a hand through her hair. 

Carina is biting her tongue so she doesn't cry but her hands are trembling.

Andy notices. "Vic," she says, softly.

"The balcony just dropped and-"

_"Vic."_

Vic looks up, sees Carina's silent tears and her face softens. "They said she was going to be fine. Dr. Pierce said the stuff in her chest missed everything important and—"

The rest fades to a dull whine. Carina doesn't want to hear anymore. She wants Maya to be awake, to make a joke, to tell them that they're all being entirely too ridiculous and that she's fine. 

Andy and Vic drag their own chairs next to Maya's bed, flank Carina, listen attentively when Bailey and Maggie come to check on her. They confirm that everything is fine. The 'thing' in her chest was piece of wood and it didn't get deep, missed every major artery. She suffered only a minor pneumothorax, but her ribs are bruised and they will take the longest to heal. Everything else is superficial, but she'll be out of work for at least two months. 

Maya will hate that, is what Carina thinks as she glances at her sleeping form. 

Three months ago Carina told Maya she loved her for the first time since their reconciliation, and she wishes she had wasted less time silently carrying the words around and more time letting Maya know.

Two months ago, Maya gave her a key and last week when Carina borrowed her computer, she saw the tabs Maya forgot to close, listings for houses, condos. They haven't even talked about it yet, she was waiting for Maya to bring it up, but the first listing was perfect, huge bay windows and a big dining room like Carina has always wanted. 

/

Andy keeps bringing Carina hospital coffee and Carina doesn't have the heart to tell her that she will never drink that lake water because she's just trying to help, Carina gets that. She sneaks off to her office around dawn, is grabbing a tea bag from her desk drawer when Andy texts her. 

Maya is awake. 

Carina rushes to her room.

"She's doing great, even breath sounds and her stitches are holding up wonderfully," Maggie says, hugging Carina. "I'm needed in the Pit but she'll be fine."

Vic and Andy are talking to her, and Carina wants to push them away, crawl into bed with Maya, hold her tightly and never let go but they're her friends and they were there when she was brought in. They care about her too. She can wait. 

Apparently Maya can't because she leans around Andy, scowls. 

"How come you're all the way over there?" Maya sounds a little slurred, the pain meds taking effect. 

"Maya," Carina swallows. It is amazing to hear her voice, see color in her face. 

"I fell," Maya says, coughing. 

The sound has Carina by her side in an instant. She hands Maya ice chips, adjusts her bed so she's sitting up, brushes her hair from her face. There are tears in Carina's eyes but they aren't falling.

Maya's voice is scratchy, and she keeps reaching for her bandage. Carina takes her hand so she doesn't disturb it, looks away, tries to subtly wipe at her face. 

"Did something happen to my eyes? I can't see." Carina is ready to storm into the hall and bellow for a nurse but then she looks down. 

"Maya."

"Mhm?"

"Open your eyes."

She does, blinks tired blue eyes once, twice, "Oh." She smiles, wide and loopy. "You're pretty."

"And you're high." Carina says, wetly. She isn't crying anymore but her voice is thick and Maya finally notices, frowns. 

"C'mere," Maya tries to pull her close but Carina doesn't budge.

"I'll hurt you," she whispers, but Maya frowns deeply until Carina climbs into her bed, careful not to put any weight on her right side. 

Carina buries her face in Maya's neck, one of the only places on Maya's body that isn't covered in bruises. She smells like linens and hospital disinfectant and Carina swallows a sob at the deep scratches she can see along her collar, the blood dotting the bandage on her chest. 

"Baby, don't cry," Maya rubs her arm, "I'm fine." 

"You're not fine."

"Okay, I'm a little bit not fine. Please stop crying, I got a cool new scar, that's all." 

"Don't joke."

She can hear Vic and Andy shuffling around the room. "We're going to get something to eat, give you guys the room." 

The glass door clicks, whirs, as it opens and closes. 

Carina has always known, in an abstract sort of way, that Maya's job is dangerous. Maya has a few scars, comes home with bruises, aches, scrapes. Nothing like this. This is real and serious and it's hitting her, that one day Maya could go into work and not come back. Maya's the one hurt here and maybe Carina should be strong for her but she can't stop the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. 

"Carina," Maya whispers her name over and over, peppers kisses on her forehead. 

"Don't die, Maya. I know you have to work but just—be alive, okay? Just stay here."

"Okay," Maya says, immediately. "I'm here. I'm right here."

/

Maya has to stay in the hospital for just over 2 weeks. Carina takes some days off and wants to take another week off to make sure everything's okay but Maya convinces her to go back to work. 

"It'll be like you're here anyway," she says. "Plus it's not like I can go anywhere, and I'll text you if anything feels weird" 

Carina isn't so sure. 

"And, Andrew offered to bring me food. Real food, not the shit in the cafeteria."

"He did?" 

Andrea came to visit the day Maya woke up but he was leaving just as Carina was coming back from a call with Maya's mother. Neither he nor Maya will say what they spoke about. 

"He did." Maya grins, smug. "I have so much help Carina, go to work. Your patients need you, aren't those twins being delivered today?" 

"Yes, but-"

"I'm fine, I don't even need the meds anymore."

At this, Carina glares. "Yes you do. You whimper every time you move too quickly and you're supposed to be on them until you're discharged."

"Carina."

_"Maya."_

"...fine." 

/

_[Carina this is so boring why do people come here] **10:42 Maya**_

_[Because they got hurt. Because YOU are hurt.] **10:43 Carina**_

_[Get back in bed] **10:44 Carina**_

_[....] **10:44 Maya**_

_[How did you do that] **10:44 Maya**_

_[Magic] **10:45 Carina**_

_[So, Vic told you.] **10:45 Maya**_

_[Maybe. How are you feeling? Did you eat?] **10:52 Carina**_

_[Yeah. Andrew brought me pasta. But the TV here sucks.] **10:53 Maya**_

_[You know what we've never done? ;)] **10:53 Maya**_

_[We are not having sex in the hospital, Maya] **10:53 Carina**_

_[:( :( :( ] **10:55 Maya**_

_[No fun] **10:55 Maya**_

/

Amelia is sat in the corner of Maya's room tapping away on her phone, when Carina arrives.

Baby Reese is sitting on the bed, holding onto Maya's fingers as she very seriously tells him something. He babbles along like he understands, drools. 

"They've been like that for half an hour." Amelia says, rolling her eyes. "She started off with all the fire hazards she could see from here. I don't even know what they're discussing now."

"The proper way to extinguish a grease fire," Maya says. 

She crosses her eyes at Reese, laughs with him when he blows a raspberry, lets out tiny baby giggles. 

Carina lowers her voice. "Thanks for keeping her company, she hates being stuck like this." 

"We had fun, we watched a hockey game before Reese stole her attention." Amelia speaks up, "hey Blondie, how do you feel about babysitting?" 

"Never actually done it, but Reese is smart, he can come over."

"Thanks, we specifically ordered a non-dumb kid." 

Carina laughs, walks to Maya's bed to kiss her, only pulling away when Reese shrieks and pounds on her face with his ineffectual baby fists.

"He does that when I kiss his father, too," Amelia says, coming to pick him up. "You tired, buddy? Let's go nap." 

She waves at them over her shoulder, and Maya looks sad at the loss of her new best friend. 

"I thought babies were sticky and jobless," Carina says, quoting Maya's own words back to her. 

"Reese is cool though, he can almost say my name." 

He actually calls everyone 'Maaa' but Carina doesn't tell her that. 

"How was your day?" she says, instead. 

Maya yawns. "I can walk to the bathroom with almost no pain." 

"Progress," Carina slides into the bed with her. "You look tired. Take a nap."

"Yeah," Maya says. "Okay."

She shuffles closer so that she's mostly laying on Carina, slips a hand under her collar, settles it on her chest. 

"You'll stay? Be here when I wake up?"

"I'll be here." 

*

FIN

.

**Author's Note:**

> wrote most of this in may but as random disjointed ideas and not part of some larger story. was gonna toss it tbh.  
> buut i got sick this week, drank copious amounts of dayquil, zoom binged season 3 w my bestfriend and well, here we are.  
> did i fit as many tropes as i could in this?? yes. but it was so fun to write. i love them.


End file.
